Frustrations, I'm lifting them up to God.

As a lot of you may have been reading through my blogs, following me, etc. I have expressed a great deal of positivity or at least some sort of continuous joy in the Lord, for this attitude, it wasn't always like that in previous times before I had come home from college. I had my share of all sorts of emotion.

Frankly, in this past break God has shown me many sides of my personality that I did not know about before and I'm VERY thankful for that because it brings clarity to how I may communicate with others, have a view on life, perspective on certain issues, or how my way of thinking is processing.
It is a true blessing.

I won't lie, over this break, I have had my share of unfortunate events of finding out certain things that will worry and frustrate me, but all I can do is lift it up to God and keep positive about it in knowing He will take care of it all.
I have also had arguments with my older brother and mother. I love them both dearly, don't get me wrong on that, but to me, I do indeed become very frustrated with them. At times...I wonder what it is that causes this all to blow up into pieces that are scattered over time and never fixed. There are many things between my brother and I that are there, never fixed. I regret that. I do.
I feel a lot of the time when I try, he doesn't give me the chance. What am I to do? I pray and pray...
Just as the same goes for my mother. I pray and pray...
I am always getting told to just pray and keep strong...that's all I know to do really...
God...has worked on my family over this break.
How so?
In the argument:
1. Jason expressed he was frustrated on how apparently on how I have conversations with him. He says I make him sound downsized or that I show expression in opinion a lot.
-Majority of the time, it's not even opinion, I am just sharing a thought that is knowledge of the subject on hand. He takes most things as "opinions".
-This leads me to get frustrated with him on conversations, because he misunderstands what I am talking about...leaving me to explain things in a different sense (which doesn't bother me usually), but if I have someone yelling at me or acting like I don't know what I'm talking about...then yes...that will frustrate me.

-Mom
she cried at the fact Jason and I can't get along.

Trust me, it kills me, too. To hear that my brother even hated me..really...broke my heart. I love my brother with all my heart. I would never want anything to hurt him. I only want the best for him. Yes, I may have said things about my brother in the past that downed his character to others, but that doesn't change what I want to do now. I want to change everything that I've been attempting to change for the longest while.
It is a struggle just for me as much as it is for Jason.
Deep down, I am broken hearted at the fact Jason and I have the hardest time communicating.
We are completely opposite, but we are blood. This does not mean we can't or shouldn't be able to communicate or get a long.
I remember growing up...Jason and I used to ride bikes, go karts, dirt bikes, skateboards, and snowboards together. We used to shoot guns together. Play in the cornfields, woods, mud, everything together. We were always close. In school, he was always there for me most of the time when it came to people messing with me..(well he's still here for me now. He offers to kick anyone's ass for me. xDD) My point, I miss...the days where we could bond. I miss all those days. They have simply disappeared into nothing more than just mere memories that I can just hold onto dearly.

I want to fix my attitude towards not only my brother, but towards people in general.

Usually everyone who has come to know me usually has nothing bad to say about me. Knowing me, I could say bad things about myself because I'm not happy with how I've treated some people or handled situations..etc.
I'm very disappointed in my acts.
Whatever happened to being disciplined in keeping mature in thoughts, way of speaking towards one another, and even in certain situations?
Temptation and sin has gotten the best of me.

I really would like to make a change for the better in cases of my family situation, certain people that I have a rough time with back at college (aka my roommate), and possibly any other people I may have hurt or something. I'm not sure of who I may have hurt, but I know if anyone it would definitely be the fact I have a hard time getting a long with my roommate.

I've expressed before how I was really wanting to amend things for the better with her, again, I stand by that. I am dedicated to working on that. I know I have issues with connecting with people at times, but seriously....I want to give it my all. If she doesn't show any effort, what more can I do? All I can do is remain loving and kind, without being a complete pushover, and pray for her.


I just want to set things..right for all the people who I've messed it up with...and even work on all the relationships I have with everyone in my life to make it better. To show that I am willing to be all I can be for them as a friend, girlfriend, relative, daughter, sister...whatever title it maybe. I want to be all I can be for them in the most positive way as possible...I HOPE to really do this and keep it up.


Anywho...

I will be praying about this and guidance from God I am surely going to be needing. I am hoping that God will continue to keep my focus for the better. This I am thankful for. :)

I pray for all of you, too.

<3 Mak





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