i'm not sure how to really explain how i feel at this moment after all i've been hearing and finding out since i've been home.
i feel i'm on that roller coaster of emotions.
i just want to keep running...and...not ever turn back because maybe something will decrease in thought that the worry will decease itself.
well...i know i intend this blog to be mainly all about my faith and for it to be example for others to observe upon to see how they can work on their own faith and to be a ministry to other's lives and their relationships with God..
right now, i really just need to write here what's on my heart as a worry.
Today, my mom had to take my grandma murrary to the hospital. they are putting her on blood pressure pills now. she just was out of the hospital a week ago because of breathing issues...(she's always having issues with that) and now...it's not only her blood pressure, but my grandma may have cancer.
i'm afraid for her.
I have faith that our God is so great and almighty that He will heal her. He will bring peace and rest to her body. He will call her home to Heaven one day so that she will no longer have to suffer on this Earth. Maybe that's what is His will, I don't know...I can't question nor predict it. I can only have faith in knowing what the Bible says to me and how God loves us.
God loves...and I know He loves Grandma. He will bring peace to us knowing she will be okay in His healing hands. We shall praise Him for all that He does in our lives...the blessing she is in our hearts...we shall continue the thanks and praises to Him.
I have my fear because I am insecure there...I am fearing not only because of insecurity in that aspect, it's because...I'd rather suffer than her. I cannot stand knowing..she may have to suffer in such a way. I love her.
God's will is His will. I pray that His will be done according to His great wonders.
Praises to Him forevermore.
Just pray for healing, peace, guidance, and rest in my family, please and thank you. I don't know who all actually will read this or anything, but if you do pray for my family, I am very thankful and appreciative. God bless you and may the Lord keep His blessings on you and your heart, and may He be a lamp to your feet as He is to mine.
Keep praying in times of hardship. We persevere in this time. He uplifts us. It is well in our souls.
May the Lord keep you in the journey of faith in both light and dark.
<3 Mak
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Have I lost it?
Today, I was looking back through numerous amounts of my art work from over the years.
I realized that, I may be more technical and a critical thinker of certain things in my art now only if I am not filled with stress or worry of other school studies.
Back then, I wasn't so worrisome. My art work, impresses me compared to now. This art work now is quite amatuer. I feel really depressed over it.
Don't get me wrong, I've learned techniques I had never known. Also, I had learned technical terms and how to use those terms effectively in a sentence when in critiques or speaking with other artists, or the professors.
Yet, comparing my work, I'm disappointed in myself. I should work my hands to the bone, and I'm not. What is this, shit? This shit I've composed is not my work, my work is so much better.
I'm an artist. An critical thinker. A mathematician. A scientist. A magician. A philosopher. A writer. A poet. A messenger.
Where am I?
Have I lost my creative touch? Simply, have I lost all that I had once loved and was passionate about?
Where are my passions?
Where are my great works?
I once was a critical artist...where have I ever ran off to? I miss you, afar. Come back and we'll be great friends. I'm sorry I have lost communication of you, let's meet again and I'll try harder this time.
Goal. Be the critical artist I am. I can do this.
I realized that, I may be more technical and a critical thinker of certain things in my art now only if I am not filled with stress or worry of other school studies.
Back then, I wasn't so worrisome. My art work, impresses me compared to now. This art work now is quite amatuer. I feel really depressed over it.
Don't get me wrong, I've learned techniques I had never known. Also, I had learned technical terms and how to use those terms effectively in a sentence when in critiques or speaking with other artists, or the professors.
Yet, comparing my work, I'm disappointed in myself. I should work my hands to the bone, and I'm not. What is this, shit? This shit I've composed is not my work, my work is so much better.
I'm an artist. An critical thinker. A mathematician. A scientist. A magician. A philosopher. A writer. A poet. A messenger.
Where am I?
Have I lost my creative touch? Simply, have I lost all that I had once loved and was passionate about?
Where are my passions?
Where are my great works?
I once was a critical artist...where have I ever ran off to? I miss you, afar. Come back and we'll be great friends. I'm sorry I have lost communication of you, let's meet again and I'll try harder this time.
Goal. Be the critical artist I am. I can do this.
I want to be Critical.
When I say I want to be critical, I wish to be a critical thinker. I want every thought to be a critical thought according to society for the days I am apart of it and providing a part of myself to this life I live.
I want to live an industrialized life that is causing a life to want to be productive as well. There are so many damned lives out there that are wasted away.
What can I do to make a philosophy out of this vernacular we live in each time we decide, "I am going to sit here until I am told to do something." Don't just sit there, you ignoramus!
Go out there and use your talents!
God has taught us to use our talents according to His will and to glorify Him! God has blessed us with intellect, talents, thoughts, emotions, senses, and so much more to use with not only one another, but each other as a whole so that we may grow in an industrialization of His people to go out there and do His work!
This work that is simply His...will communicate messages...messages of philosophy, literature, art, emotions, and thoughts of provoking a critical side of life, itself.
There is an infinite science that is talking to us about progression. What is progression? What is science and progress? What is literature and art together? What is the progression behind communicating a philosophy in an a critical thought in the arts?
What is it?!
I want to know...I want to know how to communicate.
I do not know how to even fathom over such communication, because I cannot even create such an abstract.
The abstract I philosophize over can't even come out straight, which confuses everyone.
My thoughts may be critical, but they're abstract causing all my words to be abstract.
Am I simply an abstract poet deep inside?
Are my emotions at a state of critical that I cannot simply accept because I always think of a way to zip every single one back up within side of me. They're not that critical, just abstract, abstract is lost.
Maybe that's all my thoughts are the meaning, lost. Abstract is lost. Thoughts, lost.
Sometimes I often wonder thoughts that are really filled with intellect and I do not know always how to explain them all because they are rushing at my brain at once.
Have I lost an expression? A sense of expression? How do I express my creativity...again....that's my critical thought for the day.
I want to live an industrialized life that is causing a life to want to be productive as well. There are so many damned lives out there that are wasted away.
What can I do to make a philosophy out of this vernacular we live in each time we decide, "I am going to sit here until I am told to do something." Don't just sit there, you ignoramus!
Go out there and use your talents!
God has taught us to use our talents according to His will and to glorify Him! God has blessed us with intellect, talents, thoughts, emotions, senses, and so much more to use with not only one another, but each other as a whole so that we may grow in an industrialization of His people to go out there and do His work!
This work that is simply His...will communicate messages...messages of philosophy, literature, art, emotions, and thoughts of provoking a critical side of life, itself.
There is an infinite science that is talking to us about progression. What is progression? What is science and progress? What is literature and art together? What is the progression behind communicating a philosophy in an a critical thought in the arts?
What is it?!
I want to know...I want to know how to communicate.
I do not know how to even fathom over such communication, because I cannot even create such an abstract.
The abstract I philosophize over can't even come out straight, which confuses everyone.
My thoughts may be critical, but they're abstract causing all my words to be abstract.
Am I simply an abstract poet deep inside?
Are my emotions at a state of critical that I cannot simply accept because I always think of a way to zip every single one back up within side of me. They're not that critical, just abstract, abstract is lost.
Maybe that's all my thoughts are the meaning, lost. Abstract is lost. Thoughts, lost.
Sometimes I often wonder thoughts that are really filled with intellect and I do not know always how to explain them all because they are rushing at my brain at once.
Have I lost an expression? A sense of expression? How do I express my creativity...again....that's my critical thought for the day.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Today
Today...is a new day, as any other day.
I attended chapel for the first time in awhile because I sometimes chose between eating a quick lunch or attending chapel being that my drawing/design 2 class begins at 11:30, and I get out of my literature interpretation class at 11 am.
This woman who's name is Lynn, really touched my heart today. Hearing her story of how Jesus healed her was...amazing and I felt..so much relation there in that little time. She faced numerous moments of being unhappy and not knowing how to face it. She kept things inside, never wanting a break from teaching art. She was just under a lot of stress.
Then at one point she went on a break with her husband to a beach, and she spent 6 days and 6 nights at that beach just talking to Jesus, walking with Him. She explained how He began the healing with her over that time to her being completely healed of all her wounds.
The 7th day, she returned home, better.
Her story and walk with Jesus was very encouraging, insightful, and amazing. I adored what all she had said. It honestly made me sad to hear somethings and just fill with compassion.
This woman...displayed compassion for me.
I say this because before the service had started, I sat down just praying to God. It's hard to find time for God when I'm here in college. I really just wish praying on end, talking to God...
so I prayed and she noticed that earlier. When the service had ended, she asked if I was in need of prayer since she saw that I prayed earlier. I told her I didn't because it wasn't really about me, it was just about all of us God's people instead. I don't want to be selfish, but I know we should cast our cares, burdens, and worries unto Him, because He does care for us.
Anyways, she just..had displayed such a compassion for me and told me that she loved me, also sharing that Jesus loves me no matter what.
I really just sobbed there. I know that Jesus loves and cares for me, but to also have a woman who does not even know anything about me, only my name, to share a reminder and that she loves me...is wow. Usually it's often that a person would take sometime to just get to know a person before even saying I love you, even if it wasn't in a relationship sense or family way...but her display of that reminded me...that we are to LOVE all of God's creation, no matter who they are or what they've done because it doesn't even matter...that's what Jesus have always seen about us...no matter what we've done or end up doing it is forgiven/forgotten..seeing past all mistakes and transgressions, He loved us first, and still does...God wants us to have those eyes to see hearts for what they really are opposed to what we just see on the outer layer.
I hope one day that through God..He will grant not only others, but myself as well the eyes, strength, willingness to love all people and be compassionate for them because that's what Jesus did for us.
I am thankful that God had given me such an opportunity to hear a person's story and I feel He used Lynn to just remind me, "Hey, I love you, Mak..." because sometimes I have moments where I may sin and I feel..."why did I do that?? God probably hates me for it." NOPE! He is slow to anger, fast to love and forgive! He is merciful! :D
Therefore, praises to the God who loves so unconditionally and is merciful! He who is pouring His continuous wisdom on us, is awesome!!
Lord, I pray that we shall see you for who you have always been and still are, being complete living witnesses in Your name!
In Your name I pray,
Amen.
Btw...so...I have a huge amount of homework to do..and it's crazy. I have so much to do...I don't knwo if I'll ever find time.
I attended chapel for the first time in awhile because I sometimes chose between eating a quick lunch or attending chapel being that my drawing/design 2 class begins at 11:30, and I get out of my literature interpretation class at 11 am.
This woman who's name is Lynn, really touched my heart today. Hearing her story of how Jesus healed her was...amazing and I felt..so much relation there in that little time. She faced numerous moments of being unhappy and not knowing how to face it. She kept things inside, never wanting a break from teaching art. She was just under a lot of stress.
Then at one point she went on a break with her husband to a beach, and she spent 6 days and 6 nights at that beach just talking to Jesus, walking with Him. She explained how He began the healing with her over that time to her being completely healed of all her wounds.
The 7th day, she returned home, better.
Her story and walk with Jesus was very encouraging, insightful, and amazing. I adored what all she had said. It honestly made me sad to hear somethings and just fill with compassion.
This woman...displayed compassion for me.
I say this because before the service had started, I sat down just praying to God. It's hard to find time for God when I'm here in college. I really just wish praying on end, talking to God...
so I prayed and she noticed that earlier. When the service had ended, she asked if I was in need of prayer since she saw that I prayed earlier. I told her I didn't because it wasn't really about me, it was just about all of us God's people instead. I don't want to be selfish, but I know we should cast our cares, burdens, and worries unto Him, because He does care for us.
Anyways, she just..had displayed such a compassion for me and told me that she loved me, also sharing that Jesus loves me no matter what.
I really just sobbed there. I know that Jesus loves and cares for me, but to also have a woman who does not even know anything about me, only my name, to share a reminder and that she loves me...is wow. Usually it's often that a person would take sometime to just get to know a person before even saying I love you, even if it wasn't in a relationship sense or family way...but her display of that reminded me...that we are to LOVE all of God's creation, no matter who they are or what they've done because it doesn't even matter...that's what Jesus have always seen about us...no matter what we've done or end up doing it is forgiven/forgotten..seeing past all mistakes and transgressions, He loved us first, and still does...God wants us to have those eyes to see hearts for what they really are opposed to what we just see on the outer layer.
I hope one day that through God..He will grant not only others, but myself as well the eyes, strength, willingness to love all people and be compassionate for them because that's what Jesus did for us.
I am thankful that God had given me such an opportunity to hear a person's story and I feel He used Lynn to just remind me, "Hey, I love you, Mak..." because sometimes I have moments where I may sin and I feel..."why did I do that?? God probably hates me for it." NOPE! He is slow to anger, fast to love and forgive! He is merciful! :D
Therefore, praises to the God who loves so unconditionally and is merciful! He who is pouring His continuous wisdom on us, is awesome!!
Lord, I pray that we shall see you for who you have always been and still are, being complete living witnesses in Your name!
In Your name I pray,
Amen.
Btw...so...I have a huge amount of homework to do..and it's crazy. I have so much to do...I don't knwo if I'll ever find time.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Dear God,
I want to know You. Lead me to You.
I am a child doing nothing, but sobbing over confusion
and the feeling of being conflicted.
I feel so conflicted and confused of how You want me to be in Your kingdom...
Where should I stand?
I know I need to be patient. I'll see the will You have given me over time...
but I am a child wanting to know now. I know that isn't right.
I need Your mercy. I need Your unconditional love. I need Your wisdom. I need all that You are.
I am lost without You.
I'm sorry I have ever ran from You.
I am a runner who keeps running, stop me now. Stop me now I ask, You, Lord.
I want to stop where I am, be still..and know that You are God and praise Your name above all names. I want to praise You all the more than I say I want to...
I want to know You like I've never known You before....renew my soul, Lord.
I know that I am blessed by Jesus and blessed to know that I have all these great people in my life. Why would I ever run?
I don't understand myself at times, but You know me better than anyone else. That..I am thankful for.
Lord,
I pray that there is clarity in Your will for me, and what You want me to do in Your kingdom to glorify You and all that You are.
Keep me safe from all temptation and sin so that I may live a life that is glorifying You and all that You are! I want to know You and glorify You in all ways possible that are given to me.
Help me to use my talents for You and Your kingdom to minister to others and be a guidance to You.
Glory be to You.
I am sorry I don't praise, pray to You..nor seek You as I should...forgive me and lead not only me, but others in my life, in Your kingdom to You! We need You.
Thank You my Lord. I praise You for all the rest of my days. Praises are to You for all that You do. For the guidance, wisdom, faith, unconditional love, and forgiveness You give to us, and me. You're holy and mighty.
I praise You for the love You show unto me and Your people. Thank you Lord for blessing us in the ways You have.
Thank you for using people that are in my life to help guide me to You. I would be almost nothing with out them and You. Thank you. Continue to bless them and their lives.
I lift this up to You, because there is nothing else I could do.
<3
Mak
I want to know You. Lead me to You.
I am a child doing nothing, but sobbing over confusion
and the feeling of being conflicted.
I feel so conflicted and confused of how You want me to be in Your kingdom...
Where should I stand?
I know I need to be patient. I'll see the will You have given me over time...
but I am a child wanting to know now. I know that isn't right.
I need Your mercy. I need Your unconditional love. I need Your wisdom. I need all that You are.
I am lost without You.
I'm sorry I have ever ran from You.
I am a runner who keeps running, stop me now. Stop me now I ask, You, Lord.
I want to stop where I am, be still..and know that You are God and praise Your name above all names. I want to praise You all the more than I say I want to...
I want to know You like I've never known You before....renew my soul, Lord.
I know that I am blessed by Jesus and blessed to know that I have all these great people in my life. Why would I ever run?
I don't understand myself at times, but You know me better than anyone else. That..I am thankful for.
Lord,
I pray that there is clarity in Your will for me, and what You want me to do in Your kingdom to glorify You and all that You are.
Keep me safe from all temptation and sin so that I may live a life that is glorifying You and all that You are! I want to know You and glorify You in all ways possible that are given to me.
Help me to use my talents for You and Your kingdom to minister to others and be a guidance to You.
Glory be to You.
I am sorry I don't praise, pray to You..nor seek You as I should...forgive me and lead not only me, but others in my life, in Your kingdom to You! We need You.
Thank You my Lord. I praise You for all the rest of my days. Praises are to You for all that You do. For the guidance, wisdom, faith, unconditional love, and forgiveness You give to us, and me. You're holy and mighty.
I praise You for the love You show unto me and Your people. Thank you Lord for blessing us in the ways You have.
Thank you for using people that are in my life to help guide me to You. I would be almost nothing with out them and You. Thank you. Continue to bless them and their lives.
I lift this up to You, because there is nothing else I could do.
<3
Mak
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