I want to show the love that God has for me.

This morning I awakened with more thoughts rambling on throughout my mind, like children riding a ferris wheel, screaming...

I had to write what has been irking me for awhile.

In my journey of faith, I've come to learn that being in college it's definitely a growth of finding trust in people and seeing, who really is your friend and who isn't.

I've learned the hard way and the unnecessary way.

It's kind of sad really. I'm usually one to be so open hearted to anyone, but for some odd reason I decided to really...watch my heart closely and see who I'd open up to, etc. Do I feel it is a good thing that I decided to not be so open? yes and no.

Yes and no, because if you're so closed you'll be harsh on subjects with people and kept to yourself. Unless, I am learning to actually see what it is of this, "being kept to self" and "protecting the heart" stuff really is being that I never took the time to do it all.

I never took the time to do it all at times in my life because I always chose to be really friendly with people despite, I did grow up very shy, quiet, and timid. I never knew...I would grow up to be more of a conversationist, but I did.

I really hate that I did on so many levels...

why?

I talk a good bit. No, not the normal conversation of "hey" "hey" blah blah blah...

It's the gossip factor.

Before coming into college, I never really was exposed to the high levels of different personalities that would be out in the world, because of this, I was really disciplining myself to just...not talk about anyone. Anytime a gossip factor came up, I stopped it and walked away.

Where did that discipline ever go?! I really hate the fact I've lost that discipline. I don't know if it's me simply venting or gossiping anymore, but I'm pretty sure it's gossiping if I call someone a bitch or an asshole and describe the fact of what I didn't like of what they had done, and how it affected me.

How selfish....where did my heart ever really go to think of just myself opposed to others even when I may not be their number 1 fan?

My point is, I've met the spectrum of ALL different personalities on campus. Given, it's a good thing. This is a trial I am sure that God has given me because He is telling me, I want you to step up in your faith and relationship with me. Let's notch it up a bit...

I couldn't take it though, because temptation found the best of me.

That, I know God is the proudest of, but He forgives and still loves me for me. He knows in my heart that I am trying to make it good and loving towards humanity like I've always would have wanted it to be...scratch that, I'm mending my heart to be like Christ's..because God would want it to be....I'm doing this for HIM, not me.

I've sat there in complete angst, selfishness, ignorance, and I've used slander about...a sister of mine...my roommate. Do I really like her?

Honestly, after living with her for a bit, a few things annoyed me, but I liked her because we all are different.

I attempted to get along with her and I felt...she just brushed me off as if I never existed.

I read in her one blog that she hated me and said, "fuck you."

That...I think is what caused me to go over the edge because it hurt...angered me, and she had these pathetic, immature drawings of my boyfriend and I out of pen saying how we apparently are annoying and what not. She drew 2 of them? It doesn't matter, I read them and I kind of laughed because it was really immature for an almost 20 year old. It reminded me of elementary school gestures, but whatever.

I think I was being a little defensive inside because it's really never of her business what I do with my life, nor does she have the right to sit there and make fun of people who don't do anything to her.

What's funny is I'd sit there and be nice to her the entire time, attempt conversations, everything. I bought pizza and offered her my mt dew and some pizza...she took it. Thanked me, but she never does any of that.

I feel..used when it comes to her. It's like...anything to level up.

My point is...she has disrespected me and I don't appreciate that. That is what has caused me to gossip about her to say how I think she's a bitch. Really, my roommate isn't a bitch. I think I am just being selfish and not showing love.

I was not selfish and did show love for awhile, never worked. Maybe I lost faith in that and decided to go to the dark side and be a bitch back? Yeah..pretty much. I figured, "oh taste of her own medicine" "let's actually start sticking up for myself" because...all my life I have been this pushover. I am a push over. I know I am, don't need to tell me anymore than what I've heard. My dad is CONSTANTLY telling me about it. I get it. I've heard, now shut up. Let me handle things myself. I am an adult. I'll come to you when I actually need it, and I have.

I hate myself for that. I hate myself for ever treating her wrong, gossiping about her, all the complaining, harsh thoughts, and grudges within my heart that I've had towards her. I really want to fix my heart, my relationship with Janel.

I would like a friendship with her. I may not always agree with her, but I really want to have something with her. She is a pretty cool and interesting person to talk to, well can be at times.

I may not be knowledgeable of everything she likes, but doesn't mean I couldn't still be a listener.

I want to love her with all my heart, and show love to all those who I wouldn't normally want to show it towards. I want to show God's love to all of humanity. I want to love like I've never loved before.

I will never know what love is until God has taught me all about His love and the fact that He is love. Until then, I am unloving towards the ones I bare not to show that very love.

Lord,

Help me to show the love you want me to show of Your great unfailing love to all those people who I may not always get along with, or even have befriended. I will pray fervently that God, to help me let this all go, break it all down to where it alys with me no longer because I can not carry the burdens on any longer. I need Your love, gracious forgiveness. I thank You for it all. I thank You for having me face no more than what I could not bear, that is a blessing. Give me the strength and endurance to show love to all Your people, all of my brothers and sisters, we need the love. Love is the answer. Help us to realize this. Thank You for Your unfailing love, it is the love that truly does cure. Amen.

Matthew 22: 37-39 "Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

To show love is the challenge I am willing to take. It will be a hard road in front of me, but I really am trusting in God to give me the guidance I need to do this commandment. If I fail, I need to get right back up again and pray to the Lord for His love and forgiveness, giving me strength because it is the only thing I can do.

I trust that God will guide His people to love to fix relationships with all people, resolve anything that may be going on lives, and give patience for these.

God is Love and He is the answer to life.

Blessings and perseverance be with you and your journey in faith both in the fight of light and darkness, just as mine.

Sincerely,

-Mak