From the bottom of my heart in all sincereity and truth.

Fellow friends, Tonight about 1:30am I am writing to you to share an experience in my faith as of a little bit ago that I felt the need to inform you about. Story: I find at times that when I am just getting back up from falling short from the glory of God, I tend to be all the more tempted harder and intensely. Usually, what is typical of me is to give in from all sorts of sides and feel this voice in my mind saying, "It's okay...He forgives." Well to that little voice, I said no and I wanted to stand strong. I wanted to be different and show God that I really want to change my heart for Him. I tend to write in this Bible journal that I have where I just...do entries with prayer requests, confessions, praise... Basically, I write my entries more so as 'letters to God.' Where I'm just talking with Him generally as my Father. (I find this easy for me to loosen up within my relationship with God) I wrote in that journal entry tonight how I think He is amazing through His unconditional love and how He heals, then telling us we're new in His eyes. I can't imagine what that must be like to see because I certainly do not feel so deserving, despite He says that I am deserving of His mercy. While writing, I felt something just tell me...how much I can be reminded of His love by thinking of the sacrifice on the Christ. Despite, I knew that already, it came to me harder. I really thought about it..and realized, did I ever really know and understand just what that meant for me and His people, by dying for me? What...being would do that for another? No other, but Jesus. By that reminder of such a love, it made me more so contemplate the fact He shows mercy out of the love He has for us no matter what. He's so faithful. He's a faithful Father, lover, and friend. He is everything I could ever need in someone. When I realized how much He loves all at once tonight...despite I knew He loved immensely, it made me realize..how much I want that love He has for people to be in my heart, to be pouring out abundantly so I could be so willing to display and act out in love in the name of Christ. I guess, it made me think about how much..I want to be able to finally show such a love towards that one man that God has for me. I don't know if I've ever truly loved a man out there in the sense of 'more than a friend' or 'best friend.' I've always been one to guard my heart and try to take my time when it comes to growing in friendships and thinking of possibilities in a significant other. I wrote in my journal that...one man, I want God to enable me to love on all ends as needed and give me the strength and courage to do so...to give me the willing heart so that I may know what it means to love and be loved. Because, I confessed that I fear being loved by another out of the experiences of being sexually assaulted and raped when I was young, both being from men I had trusted and highly liked as a teenager. Ever since the events, it's always affected my matter of showing affection or being open to it from both genders, but mainly men. It's odd to me because majority of my friends, especially close friends are men. It had taken me up to sometime in college to regain comfortable matters around men and having a form of 'bromance' or..friendship, whatever you want to label it as. I firmly believe, that was God's beginning way of healing me because I had an abundance of fantastic male friends in the name of Christ. These people have shown me such great friendship that I've never received before in my entire life and it was weird being that...I almost didn't know how to socially handle it. I was completely comfortable with me doing things for others and being that friend who is to stay up all hours of night to talk or be by your side as needed or whatever it maybe. Call me, I'm there. Knock on my window/door, you're welcomed in. Anything, I dropped for anyone just to be there to help them. I had always been that one person to be like that, but to receive it..not so much..and when that started a vast amount in college (still is) it makes me realize how much I needed to loosen and open up my heart to people in that sense...to say, "it's okay to want help." "It's okay to accept help, to not be independent...to actually..let people in to help you emotionally, too." I guess..I have this..strong interior where I just don't let things eat at me like some corrosive acid and where I get all..dramatic about it. I just..let it go and give it up to God. Well, when I had moments where I had felt so alone, nothing was right, people frustrated me, I was angry with God... these friends were there for me, prayed for me AND with me..even when I had refused to pray...they grabbed my hands and prayed anyways...and... for God to give a person or many to me in my life...to show such love is exactly what I needed to help break down my walls. To let me be more open to letting others in. If you can't open your heart to others..how do you expect them to be open hearted to you? How do you expect yourself to help others if you won't help yourself? How do you expect to help improve a relationship between God and a believer when your's isn't intact or it's asleep? God made me realize tonight that the friends I have are special and are a form of love that I've learned to love and accept. By His grace, He's been teaching and healing me from my previous wounds. He took those wounds and made them beautiful by making me strong within Him so that I may be able to help others heal of all sorts of things that eat at their hearts. What I've accepted is, patience in love. I've accepted the fact that I am 20 years old and single. Am I in a rush for a relationship or to feel love? To know what it means to feel special in a man's eyes? To be adored, to be treated with respect and love? To know what it feels like to be on an actual date, where I don't feel like I'm the one wearing the pants? To where I'll know what it feels like..to have a guy..just..want to be my best friend, accept me for all of my little odd bits and quirks, animated personality, and...just all that I am created as and to be. I am in no rush to feel that all...and all the more from a man. Yes, I yearn for it and yearn to feel what it means and feels like with that one person, but I don't need that to feel confident and comfortable with who I am inside and out. God helps and gives me all the confidence that I need to accept and be comfortable with who I am and with others. I won't lie, I do yearn to show my affection towards a man one day. I am awkward about it because I'm..learning and everything. I'm very cautious and thoughtful of the boundaries and what the other person maybe feeling or thinking because I want them to be comfortable with me. From what my friend Brezinski said to me, I'm really awful in relationships in the sense of physical affection because...I don't pick up on ques. I don't think it's so much the ques, but the matter of me just being..shy in that sense? Honestly, God knows how I feel and think. I'm..a very suttle person in this case. I enjoy holding hands, hugs, cuddling, and little signs of affection. Not the bigger physical aspects. I take greater appreciation in the small things of physical and emotional attributes. For me to show a guy I really appreciate him, I'll do things for him. I'll surprise him with..something I've made by using my artistic or musical skills, writing poetry (yes, I write poetry from the bottom of my heart...it helps me express my feelings), cooking food that he likes, offering to help with things, do things for him openly and willingly, offering my listening ear and advice...letting him I'm the type to pretty much go all out and do anything for a guy to please and make him happy. I ENJOY doing it..it makes me happy to know that I've made that one person happy. I honestly would love just sitting there watching a movie, hockey (if he likes it too), playing games, going on walks or runs together..anything. I'm simple and laid back. I take greater appreciation when a guy and I can just...be spending time together without having to spend money. I don't need a guy to spend money on me to make me happy or pleased. Seriously, I am with you to spend time with -you- not for you to spend money on me. One thing I'm struggling with in that sense is..letting a guy pay for me. I'm so independent..and actually used to..paying for me and the guy...it's...just not locked into my mind that I do not need to pay...and the guy should do it. I was raised that way, but never experienced it completely..except...once..I think? -while in a relationship that is- and that was our first date. All in all...by needing much healing and understanding of what I value most in a man and how I'm so simple..about it...has helped me to realize that God provides everything I could want in a guy, but no earthly man is perfect like God. God has that man out there for me and whoever He is..I just want God to help me love him unconditionally without falter and fear of being hurt physically. I can take emotional, but physical..affects me...in ways...well..yeah...leads to emotional issues deep down..but honestly, I'm healed from it by the grace of God. I told God that I wanted him to let that man know that I am 'waiting' for him and promise to remain faithful. And that I love him for who he is no matter what because I'm loving him just as God does. I don't care what that man has done or anything. It does not define him. God defines the human, not the humans decision. God makes that judgement, not me. God has helped me to not worry about these things because I trust and know that God has someone out there for me and..everyone really. Know that, dear, if I've met you already or haven't...and you read this..I love and accept you for you. I pray for you and know that God loves you so much. I hope and pray that when we do know of each other and God's plan for us to be together, that we are a couple that is for Christ and our relationship is serving and bringing glory to God. I promise to pray and help you spiritually and emotionally, in all aspects that I can. God does everything, but I'll do what He calls me to do. I promise to make you proud and know that everyday, I appreciate you for the heart that you have. I promise to protect, guide, and give support as needed. I promise to do my best to understand and even if I don't, I'll do my best by being honest to be sincere and helpful by showing compassion. I promise to let you know whenever I think you're not doing right in the eyes of God, so that you may be disciplined and able to be guided in the faith, so I know you're being encouraged at the same time to be all the more strong and steadfast in your faith. I understand that you're not perfect and I don't expect you to be. I just want you to be of Christ and dedicate yourself to Him..that's all I want. I want you to know you are saved by God through the blood of Christ. You are more than anything and everything you've done because Christ made you anew and clean. Because He loved you first. He told me to love and I am going to love to my fullest, I promise. My God healed me of wounds made by previous earthly men. Now, I'm healed in the blood of Christ. He has fully healed me after 3-4 years have passed by. I will fear no other man or evil. I will fear nothing because my God is my armor and He is with me. Praises be to God! Brothers and sisters, If you know of any persons in your life who has experienced any form of sexual abuse, assault, or rape, please do not hesitate to pray or be there for them even when they say no. The power of prayer is strong and effective. God listens and hears all prayers. There is healing, strength, confidence, and courage in His name. Please read 1 Peter. It'll open up your eyes to how our lives should be lived and how we should treat others in our lives. I pray and hope that the reading is a blessing just as much as it is to me. I praise God for those who read this journal entry. It honestly had taken a lot from me to share a bit of my experiences and..well..all these..feelings. I'm not one to be so..open about how I..yearn to treat that one person or them treat me. It's a ...touchy subject, I guess? Thank you. In Him with love, -Mak 1 Peter 1:3-9 Praise to God for a Living Hope 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire —may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.