5 years ago the 20th

Hello friends, At midnight, when it strikes the 20th of July is the anniversary mark of when I gave my heart to Jesus and believed that He saved me by dying on the cross for not only my sins, but the sin of the world. Here I am 20 years old and looking back on how 5 years has gone by, wow. I can't believe that it's been 5 years since I was baptized at Hilton Head Island, SC in the Atlantic Ocean. Thinking back, it's rather nostalgic to me. I guess it's because it isn't everyday that a Christian is baptized in the ocean at midnight. Of all days, times, and moments....God called me there. I almost cannot fathom over such an event for the simple reason of it's really deep. Back then, I didn't think much of the baptism itself until I felt anew. Let me explain briefly who I was and what was going on back at the time. There I was, 14 years of age. Living with my Mom, older brother; Jason, and a stepfather; Craig. (Craig had kids who well, weren't kids. They're adults. I was rather close with one; Corinne who I still am relatively close with, along with her husband; Tim.) Anyways, during that Summer, I was going through a lot of issues and Corinne had noticed and asked if it was alright that I had gone down to have a 'vacation' with her and Tim for about a month by staying at their apartment. My mom had agreed it was fine and in July I ended up staying in Hilton Head Island, SC. Corinne and Tim are two Christians who are very kind, loving, and warm hearted people. Enjoyable company. At the time, they were working/volunteering at their church where they were involved with Youth Ministry. Also, Tim played drums in the worship band and Corinne helped with slides. They were church goers. I...was not. I did not grow up in that environment whatsoever. It's not that my family is not spiritual or 'Christian' it's just, they didn't force Christianity into our lives, despite, I did know what church and somewhat knew of who Jesus Christ was, slightly, that is. At this point, I was really uncomfortable knowing I would be in the church setting most of my days within a week due to them being so involved. While they were busy, I knew no one. That made me nervous and very uptight. While being exposed to the church setting, I was quite nervous, but...ended up relaxing over a week or two that had passed. People there would greet me with a hug and were attempting to get to know me for who I was. That was really odd to me. I didn't get it. Why were these people being so friendly and loving towards me? They did not know who I was. I felt awful and worrisome. ------- Note: At the age of 14, my past was dark. At that time, I was going through many medical concerns and was very depressed. Depressed wasn't even a description of how I felt about myself. I had almost no confidence, felt unhappy and misunderstood, frustrated, angry, and wanted nothing to do with people. I was immensely bullied at school, given, home wasn't any better. I was emotionally/verbally/physically abused from a stepfather and had to witness seeing my family being treated the same way. That broke my heart and I felt as if I could do nothing about it. While with school and home being so broken, I felt life was meaningless and attempted suicide various times, yet unsuccessful. 3 days before I had left for SC, I attempted suicide and did not succeed. I didn't understand why I was given life.-------- After 2 weeks had gone by, the third week I began to open up with others. My personality started to shine a bit more. I was talkative, animated, and smiled for the first time in a long time. I was given a Holy Bible and was taught how to pray. I never prayed alone, I prayed with others who helped me know and learn until I felt comfortable. I didn't know how and where to start with reading the Bible. I first learned about the life of Jesus Christ and what He did for us, then I was introduced to Law, so that I could distinguish between Law and Gospel. After that, I started from the beginning to learn about how God created us and the world altogether. Won't kid you, I was very intimidated and a little frustrated, yet remained patient. The last week in SC, it was late at night. I had stayed after with Corinne, an elder, and the Pastor. They were cleaning up and all of that. I waited patiently for them to finish so Corinne and I could head back to the apartment. While talking, Corinne asks me a life changing question..."Makaya, do you want to be saved?" Saved? What's that? What's this 'saved' matter that she speaks of? I didn't really know what that meant and didn't want to seem dumb, so I denied the offer. She asked if I was sure and I nodded my head yes. Then, I felt something inside of me, say, "It's okay, do not fear. It's okay." I listened and after 10 minutes or so...I went up to Corinne and said, "Corinne, I want to be Saved. I want to accept Jesus." She smiled and hugged me. She was so excited. There, she had called over the Pastor and elder telling them that I wanted to be Saved. They rejoiced and asked if they could pray over me and I accepted. Each, they placed a hand on me and after 10 minutes or so of prayer, Corinne's hand was lead up to the back of my neck and she asked, "Makaya, I feel God leading my hand here...did something happen to you?" I broke down in tears, sobbing like a child who had fallen off of their bike..or scared at the least. I had confessed that we were being abused by Craig and I had been experiencing physical bullying in school, too. I poured my heart out right there to these people who I had not known long, unlike Corinne I had known for a few years. Never did I cry, so hard in my entire life. I had then made a deeper confession of how I attempted suicide multiple times and didn't understand why love would hurt and if I was loved, then why was I so broken inside? Why would God love me when I've attempted to hurt myself and have hurt others in the long run...especially by breaking my own mother's heart at hating myself. A parent would never want that for their child. There, they each hugged me and reassured me of how loved I was and that God loves me so much and that I was His child. They continued to pray and after about 30-45 minutes of praying and confession, they then exclaimed, "LET'S TELL EVERYONE AND CELEBRATE! WE MUST CALL EVERYONE AND TELL THEM TO MEET US AT THE BEACH FOR YOUR BAPTISM!!" I felt better and looked at them like they were crazy loopy for at midnight... After their excitement, we left for the beach so that I and another man would be baptized the same night. About 15 minutes or so we arrived at the beach and it was really dark out. I remember the scenery. It was a clear night sky, with a full moon, and the stars were bright and vibrant with their pale white value. The air was fresh and the ocean was calm with a slight tide. No one had shown up, but Tim, the Pastor, the other man (my brother in Christ so to speak), and myself had walked out to the water where it was about...ehh, waste high. They prayed and I watched them baptize my brother in Christ and realized, "Oh man, this is it...I wonder what this feels like?" After they prayed, they then told me to hold my breathe and bend back. There, I went under water. ----this next part, I am NOT kidding---- Came up out of the water and saw a beam of light and then wiped my eyes once more and saw the beach full of people from the church rejoicing and cheering. My feelings? FREE. LIGHT. HAPPY. JOYOUS. EXCITED. AND...I can't explain all of these crazy happy feelings and the feeling of...no weight on my chest or..shoulders there. I couldn't remember the past things then and could not...get out of this 'state of mind' where I was just..happy. I went back to the beach and hugged everyone. When I was there, I ran around and said, "Thank you. Just..thank you!" I was on this emotional high..even on the way back. ---this next part not kidding!--- While in the car on the way back to the apartment, it was just Corinne and I. As she was talking, I kept hearing this voice say, "Pray for Jason! Pray for Jason, now! He's being hurt!" I listened and was like, "Corinne, sorry, but...I feel something telling me to pray for Jason now!" So we did as she drove. As we prayed, I felt better. But I heard this voice so loudly speaking out to me and it was really freaky at the time. It kept telling me to pray about all of these things, to not fear, and to know that things were alright and I was going to be better. That night, as I went to bed...I remembered seeing others and Jesus paintings with Him kneeling on the ground praying. Therefore, I did the same. I got down on my knees, placing my hands together lying them on the edge of the bed and prayed. I thanked God for the baptism, saving us, and loving us for who we are despite our sins. I asked that He would teach me to be like Him and that I would know what love really was and what it meant to show and be loved as His Son did. Went home, baptized the next day...surprising my parents with the news. They were happy for me. 2 years later at 16, I was invited by my friend Amanda to attend church with her. She is a member at St. Luke Lutheran Church Cabot, PA. At this time, I was getting involved with the Youth Ministry and volunteering opportunities. I then, began attending church services as well and became actively involved. That same year, was my first mission trip to Richmond where I served by working with various other church groups along side them, working with the mentally disabled and helped rebuild and fix up an elderly couple's home. I also made a few life long friends who I am still in contact with today and visited with over Thanksgiving. They're such a blessing to me. 2 years after that, at 18 years old I became a member of St. Luke Lutheran by taking their Discipleship course and that Summer of 2010 after I had graduated HS, I attended the LCMS National Youth Gathering to only have grown in my discipleship, fellowship with brothers and sisters in the faith, witness, and love for Christ, and His people. That same Summer, then transitioned within the Fall, beginning at Concordia University of Ann Arbor, Ann Arbor, MI where I intended a Family Life Youth Ministry major. There, I spent from August 2010-November 2011 in attendance. Yet, within that time period I have made some of the greatest friendships and have come to know that God has such a great group of disciples out there that I've crossed paths with. The many friendships that I still have today with those who have attended CUAA are...some of my best and most close friends...not only because of who they are, but the fact they have shown a love for me as Christ did by taking the time to know me for my heart and share in fellowship. They have been one of biggest blessings to me and I love each and every single person significantly. Friends who are reading this that I met at CUAA, thank you for being you and I love and appreciate your friendship and the heart that you have. Many prayers of thanks have been lifted for and because of the each of you. Keep growing in your faith and love for Christ. <3 Also, while at CUAA I was given the opportunity and blessing to be a speaker at a Youth Ministry event called, "Tool Time." There, I had shared my testimony of how I came to Christ and said how that...we are a chosen people of God and we are able to stand tall in all cases because God is our rock and refuge. That...had to of been one of the biggest blessings to me because I had met many youth and am a mentor to them..praying and keeping in touch with them and their faith. Between these times, I've shared of my testimonies of how I've gone from feeling like nothing to feeling like something..and that something is being a disciple of Christ, who feels completely called to love and share the love of Jesus with those who cross my path. By doing so, it has influenced my family who aren't the most spiritual. They've been open to prayer, attending church, and discussing God's love and wisdom. Thanks be to God! Here I am at 20 years old, a child of God who chose to have life and I know my calling. My calling is this: "1 Thessalonians 5:14-15, 10-11 "And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with Him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." You and I are saved. He saved us and we are so loved. I tell you the truth, I am no longer the person I was at 14. Rather, this is what has happened to me and who I am is a loving being. I love you my brother, sister. God loves you, please know this. "20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 I pray that by my testimony, God has spoken through me to you so that you are well aware that no matter what you are going through, no matter your past mistakes or decisions, you are loved for the heart that God has created in You. You are created in His image, not the world's. You, my brother, sister, are loved by a God who wants to love and save you. I went from lost to found, won't you be found, too? I pray and ask in God's holy precious Son's name that you will be found and saved because we love you. Thank you for reading and blessings to you, Makaya

My Poetic Prayer and Letter

Lord, Help us to not be selfish. We are a selfish people. Help guide our minds, hearts, and paths according to You and Your will, alone. Remind us each time that we step off path that You love us and we are forgiven by the blood of our Savior, Jesus. Lord, we are blind, but You provide insight, wisdom, guidance, healing, love, and reassurance of who You are, what You've done for us, and that You are so much stronger and mighty than anything in this world. By that, we have great comfort in You and can lean on You as Your children should to their Father. Father, we love You. Keep us. Your child, Makaya 1-We're blind 2-We need to see 3-To see You 4-You, the One who loves 5-Loves us all. 6-All who are created by You 7-You are the only One 8-One who can show us 9-Us who need wisdom 10-Wisdom from You 11-You provide guidance 12-Guidance from Your hands 13-Hands that heal 14-Heal us, help us 15-Us who are blind 16-Blind will walk 17-Walk into the insight 18-Insight of the Mighty 19-Mighty, Lord who corrects 20-Correct our crooked paths 21-Paths are now corrected 22-Corrected by the One who loves 23-Loves you, alone, 24-Alone, He gave it all 25-All He wants is you, 26-You to know 27-Know that He loves 28-You, 29-You are forgiven, 30-Forgiven by the blood, 31-Blood of Jesus 32-Jesus cleansed you 33-You are free 34-Free to be you, 35-You are set free!

Hold on, I have faith in you.

Dear brothers and sisters, I am writing to you on behalf of some experiences as of lately. Recently within this past week or so, I've been informed by several friends of how they're struggling. Some have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, or both along with being bipolar. For these friends, even a few I am completely shocked to hear this from really made me feel sad for them, but alas, it made me all the more want to pray for them. These few people are some of the people who have helped me greatly with my faith in Jesus and I want to help them, too. So, I ask that you who are reading to please keep these few beings in your prayers. Yet, I must tell you a brief story of a friend of mine: (I am leaving names unsaid due to privacy and respectful matters) It had to of been last week that she had been texting me upset and stated how she never felt happy, felt as if God wouldn't want her and did not love her at all because of her past mistakes. She felt that God wouldn't want anything to do with her because she did not pray and read her Bible. She also stated that God must not love her because of all of the hardship in her life aka illness, depression, a hard relationship with family, and struggling with relationships generally. While her texting me this and as I read everything, my heart sank, yet..I knew her exact feelings. I explained to her how she is not alone and I've been there. I know exactly how she feels and that sometimes we go through hardship because God is teaching us and it's apart of His plan to help us grow stronger within our faith in Him. I gave her some examples from my life in the faith to help her understand and reminded her of how much God loves her along with some encouraging and reassuring Scripture. She thanked me and we continued to talk about her struggles. She asked if we could Skype and I said yes of course and we did on a Monday after my class in that evening. After her just pouring all of her heart out to me, I feel I could completely relate and said to her, "Gretchen, Jesus loves you so much. He gave His life for you so that you could live. Life was never meant to be simple, but with Jesus we are made strong and we are able to endure anything in life, whether it be depression, anxiety, or struggles within our faith. God knows how you feel and He will see you through. Keep the hope that lies within you alive. God is faithful. He has never left your side. It may seem as if He did, but trust me, He didn't. Sin blinds us from God so we end up lying there feeling fear and unsure of what God wants for us and of us. Simply, God wants nothing more than to love you. Don't be afraid to let Him in. He's waiting on you. It's your choice, we have free will. The moment you make the choice to let Him in completely, that's the moment He'll completely set you free. I pray that He sees you through and I pray that you keep hoping." She cried and thanked me. She explained how hard it was to stay faithful and to keep praying after no answers. I told her that sometimes we aren't answered right away because it's a process. Everything with God is a process and we shouldn't expect anything from God right away because that teaches us no patience and that is handing us things straight up without any actual form of conscience of learning and processing the entire situation itself. I told her that I was learning the same thing to be patient and that it takes a lot of meditation and prayer. I encouraged her to keep steadfast in the faith and do not lose hope because there is a light at the end! She said it was hard and that she still felt that God wouldn't want her. I told her that she was created in the image of God and was surely chosen to be of His kingdom. That she can find a strength and peace within this time and God has never left her side, neither has those who love her. I prayed to God right there and then, asked some of those in the faith that I trust with so much to pray for her and to keep her in their prayers. I briefly shared her thoughts with them so they had an idea of what to pray about and lift up to God. Mind you, I mentioned the fact her parents were in denial of her diagnosis, felt she was making it all up, and didn't want her to be on medication thinking she did not need it. This made my heart cry out to God praying and pleading He would see this family through and that God would bless them with a solution, wisdom, and understanding. Friends, a few days later said friend texted me telling me she was put on anti depressants, told her parents, and the doctor told her she should continue therapy and start these anti depressants. She feared her parents would not understand as before. But, they did! They told her that it was okay, allowed her to get medication to help her with the depression and anxiety, to continue therapy, and we very understanding of her condition. PRAISES BE TO GOD. When she texted me telling me that her parents were finally understanding and allowing her to go on medication, I rejoiced in God. It's amazing what God can do. Now she has started the medication and is continuing therapy. So far, positive results. We are keeping her in our prayers along with the many others who deal with the same struggles. The point of sharing this story is, many people of the faith honestly do struggle with all sorts of matters, it's just the few that make the mindset to be very negative and hard to deal with is those derived within the emotional and psychological issues causing all forms of negative thoughts making that person feel they're not significant to God, should have life, or anything of the sort and much more. To those who struggle, YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE. Hold on and take heart in the faith because you have a strength within you from God that keeps you holding on. You have a hope that has been instilled within your heart to keep you going and that is your faith in Christ Jesus. You have been chosen by God to live a life according to His will and He sent His only son Jesus Christ to die for you out of LOVE. Deuteronomy 7:6 New International Version (NIV) "6 For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession." 1 John 4:8-12 New International Version (NIV) 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. You are so much more and He loves you. I love you. There is a peace and strength at the end of each day that is given to you by our God. Just know that you are strong. You have the will to keep going and stand firm in the faith. He promises to give you a strength that will last and a firm faith that will keep your eyes set on Him. He really does. Isaiah 40:29-31 New International Version (NIV) 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Psalm 29:11 New International Version (NIV) 11 The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OzzywdDozo It's going to be hard, but know that it's going to be okay. It may not be soon, but it will be alright at some point according to His timing. Know that you're not alone and God understands. It's okay, I promise to be here by your side to help and support you through your struggles because I love you, too. It's going to get better and there is a light. It's okay, no matter your struggle, you have me and Jesus. <3

From the bottom of my heart in all sincereity and truth.

Fellow friends, Tonight about 1:30am I am writing to you to share an experience in my faith as of a little bit ago that I felt the need to inform you about. Story: I find at times that when I am just getting back up from falling short from the glory of God, I tend to be all the more tempted harder and intensely. Usually, what is typical of me is to give in from all sorts of sides and feel this voice in my mind saying, "It's okay...He forgives." Well to that little voice, I said no and I wanted to stand strong. I wanted to be different and show God that I really want to change my heart for Him. I tend to write in this Bible journal that I have where I just...do entries with prayer requests, confessions, praise... Basically, I write my entries more so as 'letters to God.' Where I'm just talking with Him generally as my Father. (I find this easy for me to loosen up within my relationship with God) I wrote in that journal entry tonight how I think He is amazing through His unconditional love and how He heals, then telling us we're new in His eyes. I can't imagine what that must be like to see because I certainly do not feel so deserving, despite He says that I am deserving of His mercy. While writing, I felt something just tell me...how much I can be reminded of His love by thinking of the sacrifice on the Christ. Despite, I knew that already, it came to me harder. I really thought about it..and realized, did I ever really know and understand just what that meant for me and His people, by dying for me? What...being would do that for another? No other, but Jesus. By that reminder of such a love, it made me more so contemplate the fact He shows mercy out of the love He has for us no matter what. He's so faithful. He's a faithful Father, lover, and friend. He is everything I could ever need in someone. When I realized how much He loves all at once tonight...despite I knew He loved immensely, it made me realize..how much I want that love He has for people to be in my heart, to be pouring out abundantly so I could be so willing to display and act out in love in the name of Christ. I guess, it made me think about how much..I want to be able to finally show such a love towards that one man that God has for me. I don't know if I've ever truly loved a man out there in the sense of 'more than a friend' or 'best friend.' I've always been one to guard my heart and try to take my time when it comes to growing in friendships and thinking of possibilities in a significant other. I wrote in my journal that...one man, I want God to enable me to love on all ends as needed and give me the strength and courage to do so...to give me the willing heart so that I may know what it means to love and be loved. Because, I confessed that I fear being loved by another out of the experiences of being sexually assaulted and raped when I was young, both being from men I had trusted and highly liked as a teenager. Ever since the events, it's always affected my matter of showing affection or being open to it from both genders, but mainly men. It's odd to me because majority of my friends, especially close friends are men. It had taken me up to sometime in college to regain comfortable matters around men and having a form of 'bromance' or..friendship, whatever you want to label it as. I firmly believe, that was God's beginning way of healing me because I had an abundance of fantastic male friends in the name of Christ. These people have shown me such great friendship that I've never received before in my entire life and it was weird being that...I almost didn't know how to socially handle it. I was completely comfortable with me doing things for others and being that friend who is to stay up all hours of night to talk or be by your side as needed or whatever it maybe. Call me, I'm there. Knock on my window/door, you're welcomed in. Anything, I dropped for anyone just to be there to help them. I had always been that one person to be like that, but to receive it..not so much..and when that started a vast amount in college (still is) it makes me realize how much I needed to loosen and open up my heart to people in that sense...to say, "it's okay to want help." "It's okay to accept help, to not be independent...to actually..let people in to help you emotionally, too." I guess..I have this..strong interior where I just don't let things eat at me like some corrosive acid and where I get all..dramatic about it. I just..let it go and give it up to God. Well, when I had moments where I had felt so alone, nothing was right, people frustrated me, I was angry with God... these friends were there for me, prayed for me AND with me..even when I had refused to pray...they grabbed my hands and prayed anyways...and... for God to give a person or many to me in my life...to show such love is exactly what I needed to help break down my walls. To let me be more open to letting others in. If you can't open your heart to others..how do you expect them to be open hearted to you? How do you expect yourself to help others if you won't help yourself? How do you expect to help improve a relationship between God and a believer when your's isn't intact or it's asleep? God made me realize tonight that the friends I have are special and are a form of love that I've learned to love and accept. By His grace, He's been teaching and healing me from my previous wounds. He took those wounds and made them beautiful by making me strong within Him so that I may be able to help others heal of all sorts of things that eat at their hearts. What I've accepted is, patience in love. I've accepted the fact that I am 20 years old and single. Am I in a rush for a relationship or to feel love? To know what it means to feel special in a man's eyes? To be adored, to be treated with respect and love? To know what it feels like to be on an actual date, where I don't feel like I'm the one wearing the pants? To where I'll know what it feels like..to have a guy..just..want to be my best friend, accept me for all of my little odd bits and quirks, animated personality, and...just all that I am created as and to be. I am in no rush to feel that all...and all the more from a man. Yes, I yearn for it and yearn to feel what it means and feels like with that one person, but I don't need that to feel confident and comfortable with who I am inside and out. God helps and gives me all the confidence that I need to accept and be comfortable with who I am and with others. I won't lie, I do yearn to show my affection towards a man one day. I am awkward about it because I'm..learning and everything. I'm very cautious and thoughtful of the boundaries and what the other person maybe feeling or thinking because I want them to be comfortable with me. From what my friend Brezinski said to me, I'm really awful in relationships in the sense of physical affection because...I don't pick up on ques. I don't think it's so much the ques, but the matter of me just being..shy in that sense? Honestly, God knows how I feel and think. I'm..a very suttle person in this case. I enjoy holding hands, hugs, cuddling, and little signs of affection. Not the bigger physical aspects. I take greater appreciation in the small things of physical and emotional attributes. For me to show a guy I really appreciate him, I'll do things for him. I'll surprise him with..something I've made by using my artistic or musical skills, writing poetry (yes, I write poetry from the bottom of my heart...it helps me express my feelings), cooking food that he likes, offering to help with things, do things for him openly and willingly, offering my listening ear and advice...letting him I'm the type to pretty much go all out and do anything for a guy to please and make him happy. I ENJOY doing it..it makes me happy to know that I've made that one person happy. I honestly would love just sitting there watching a movie, hockey (if he likes it too), playing games, going on walks or runs together..anything. I'm simple and laid back. I take greater appreciation when a guy and I can just...be spending time together without having to spend money. I don't need a guy to spend money on me to make me happy or pleased. Seriously, I am with you to spend time with -you- not for you to spend money on me. One thing I'm struggling with in that sense is..letting a guy pay for me. I'm so independent..and actually used to..paying for me and the guy...it's...just not locked into my mind that I do not need to pay...and the guy should do it. I was raised that way, but never experienced it completely..except...once..I think? -while in a relationship that is- and that was our first date. All in all...by needing much healing and understanding of what I value most in a man and how I'm so simple..about it...has helped me to realize that God provides everything I could want in a guy, but no earthly man is perfect like God. God has that man out there for me and whoever He is..I just want God to help me love him unconditionally without falter and fear of being hurt physically. I can take emotional, but physical..affects me...in ways...well..yeah...leads to emotional issues deep down..but honestly, I'm healed from it by the grace of God. I told God that I wanted him to let that man know that I am 'waiting' for him and promise to remain faithful. And that I love him for who he is no matter what because I'm loving him just as God does. I don't care what that man has done or anything. It does not define him. God defines the human, not the humans decision. God makes that judgement, not me. God has helped me to not worry about these things because I trust and know that God has someone out there for me and..everyone really. Know that, dear, if I've met you already or haven't...and you read this..I love and accept you for you. I pray for you and know that God loves you so much. I hope and pray that when we do know of each other and God's plan for us to be together, that we are a couple that is for Christ and our relationship is serving and bringing glory to God. I promise to pray and help you spiritually and emotionally, in all aspects that I can. God does everything, but I'll do what He calls me to do. I promise to make you proud and know that everyday, I appreciate you for the heart that you have. I promise to protect, guide, and give support as needed. I promise to do my best to understand and even if I don't, I'll do my best by being honest to be sincere and helpful by showing compassion. I promise to let you know whenever I think you're not doing right in the eyes of God, so that you may be disciplined and able to be guided in the faith, so I know you're being encouraged at the same time to be all the more strong and steadfast in your faith. I understand that you're not perfect and I don't expect you to be. I just want you to be of Christ and dedicate yourself to Him..that's all I want. I want you to know you are saved by God through the blood of Christ. You are more than anything and everything you've done because Christ made you anew and clean. Because He loved you first. He told me to love and I am going to love to my fullest, I promise. My God healed me of wounds made by previous earthly men. Now, I'm healed in the blood of Christ. He has fully healed me after 3-4 years have passed by. I will fear no other man or evil. I will fear nothing because my God is my armor and He is with me. Praises be to God! Brothers and sisters, If you know of any persons in your life who has experienced any form of sexual abuse, assault, or rape, please do not hesitate to pray or be there for them even when they say no. The power of prayer is strong and effective. God listens and hears all prayers. There is healing, strength, confidence, and courage in His name. Please read 1 Peter. It'll open up your eyes to how our lives should be lived and how we should treat others in our lives. I pray and hope that the reading is a blessing just as much as it is to me. I praise God for those who read this journal entry. It honestly had taken a lot from me to share a bit of my experiences and..well..all these..feelings. I'm not one to be so..open about how I..yearn to treat that one person or them treat me. It's a ...touchy subject, I guess? Thank you. In Him with love, -Mak 1 Peter 1:3-9 Praise to God for a Living Hope 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire —may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Why Hide?

Jeremiah 23:24 New International Version (NIV) 24 Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?” declares the Lord. “Do not I fill heaven and earth?” declares the Lord. Often as humans we find that we want to hide every little thing possible from our Creator out of fear that has been instilled within our hearts by the sin we've committed and Satan, himself. Yet, we do not have to -try- to hide everything or anything from the Lord because He already knows and sees it from above. In Jeremiah 23:24 it explains that who can hide their everything from the Lord when He sees it already? Why are you trying to hide when you, the human, have known that the Lord is filled within the Earth? The Lord is everywhere. He knows and sees your every action and thought. I find that, when we try to hide from God, we are only distancing ourselves from the One who wants nothing more than to love and discipline us. We are His children and He wants a relationship with every single one of us. When you run and hide, you're placing a gap between the trust that you are to have with God. Yet, that gap is technically not even really there because He has promised to be by your side the entire time, even when we run and hide. He has promised to be with us and protect us. I want all of you to to read Isaiah 43. In this chapter the Lord reminds Jacob of His love and protection for Him. He shares with him how He knows his actions towards the Lord, but is still loving, forgiving, merciful, and is keeping His promise to His people because He loves them and they are His! What an amazing Father that we have! Isaiah 43:2 New International Version (NIV) 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Brothers and sisters, do not fret when you grow in faint and weary, He's there for you to pick you right back up and He continues to walk with you. He watches over your every foot step so that you will not drift away from Him. (Personally, I know that I can hold to this because I have my moments just as any other person out there of the faith who tends to drift away from the walk with the Lord. I've been at my lowest of lows, hardship, and have tried to hide and fight away in attempts to handle it all on my own...NOPE! He never let go and kept me there and corrected my path so that I can be free and have life in His name! He does this for His people because He wants -you- to have life in His name.) Psalm 142:3 New International Version (NIV) 3 When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way. In the path where I walk people have hidden a snare for me. When we feel the life of a disciple getting tough and hard because of the world of darkness we live in, God knows and is always ready to step in and take control. Ultimately, God has control over all of our situations, even when we try so hard to hide our faults within those situations, He still sees them. Yet, what is awesome about this is, He sends His Spirit to convict our hearts so that we may recognize what the sin(s) may be and so that we can just come out of that darkness where we were hiding within to only make it revealed to the light. Despite He already knows, He still wants us to reveal it to Him in the light and surface so that He can take it from our hands and say, "It is finished..." (John 19:30) When we confess what was all hidden within our hearts to the Lord, He sincerely does take it all away to renew our hearts for Him and to feel and know that love He has given and shown for us. Psalm 104:30 New International Version (NIV) 30 When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the ground. Isaiah 40:31 New International Version (NIV) 31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Although, we are encouraged and comforted by knowing the Lord will strengthen us, the convicting word of God in 1 John 1 is definitely also comforting in a way because we are reminded of how we ought to be living our lives for Christ and this verse also will give us encouragement deep within to be sure we are being honest in our walk with Him; 1 John 1:6 New International Version (NIV) 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. My brothers and sisters in Christ, Do not fear to make all of what is hidden from the Lord, revealed into the light because He has promised to renew your strength so that you may not grow fain and weary while in this Earthly life. He has promised to bring you a renewal of your mind so that you may be able to stand firm and a-test to the faith and what God's will is for you. Romans 12:2 New International Version (NIV) 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will. Job 11:15 New International Version (NIV) 15 then, free of fault, you will lift up your face; you will stand firm and without fear. Psalm 33:11 New International Version (NIV) 11 But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations. Brothers and sisters, I pray that He will give you the strength and courageous heart to stand firm in this world and to stand up against the demons and give all that is hidden in that darkness to only be revealed into light and make known to the Lord. By doing so, I pray that your relationship with Him will be strengthened, renewed, and He would show His unconditional love by picking you up, dusting you off, and saying, "Go in peace and serve in the name of the Lord." I pray that He would keep you in His hands and give you such a comfort that you will no longer feel afraid to just go to the Lord with anything and you would no longer hide from His face. I want you to know that He loves you all so much that He would never want harm or any form of hurting in your heart. No Father wants that for their child. You are His. I pray that by what I am sharing with you is encouraging and reassuring. I pray for you all. In Him, Mak 2 Corinthians 4:6 New International Version (NIV) 6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”[a] made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. Titus 3:5 New International Version (NIV) 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,

Recogonizing Weaknesses and being Strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9 New International Version (NIV) 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. Weaknesses. We all of them. Whether they'd be within the emotional attributes or physical, either way, they're there. They are apart of us. These weaknesses that we may have do not define who we are nor what type of heart we possess, but rather they help us to recognize what we can lift up to the Lord in prayer so that we have strength to face and over come those weaknesses. Our Father in Heaven wants nothing more than for us to come to Him in prayer so that His light can shine on us while we are feeling vulnerable and weak. To feel vulnerability is certainly not a bad thing because that means we have the open mind and heart towards God who is more than happy and willing to mentor, teach, guide, discipline, and love us, but we need to be willing as well. In the state of vulnerability we are risking our hearts to be willing to step out from our comfort zone for a change. Often, this change is for the better and the very fact we are feeling the conviction of the Spirit so that we may turn to God with prayer; praise, thanksgiving, conviction, and worship. And when we do this we are recognizing what it is that's weighing within our hearts to lift up to God and put it in His hands, rather than us sitting here trying to take and be in control, all on our own. The moment you recognize and lift up your weaknesses because you sincerely know what you cannot go alone on the path of life without the direction of God, He is going to take all that weakness and make you strong because He had taken the weaknesses and vulnerability of others and made them strong, too! His son, Jesus Christ died on the cross for your sins so that you may be strong in His name. God gives strength to His children because He loves and cares about all of His children just that much. Sometimes, it's hard for us to simply accept that we have a Father in Heaven that gave His son, Jesus, for our sins so that we may have life in His name, living a life of love, kindness, hope, and strength so that we can reach out to others in His name and be a light in this world of darkness. When I think about this, it makes me think about just how dark this world really is and what goes on in our daily lives that can leave these wounds, these wounds that bring upon certain weaknesses, but then, I remember that we don't have to live this way. We don't have to live a life filled with weaknesses caused by a variety of different wounds. God never wanted that. He wants us to live a life filled with hope, the hope that will lie deeply within us in knowing we are promised so much more. When I look back upon my weaknesses and the wounds that I've encountered, how I've grown in my faith to only be made stronger and healed, I also remember Jesus Christ faced many of the same events we do in our lives. May not be the -exact- same, but enough for Him to know how we feel and deal with them. By this thought, I cannot help, but be COMPLETELY comforted in knowing there is SOMEONE who understands every single emotion we may face, even my own. Isaiah 53:5 New International Version (NIV) 5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. "By His wounds we are healed." He takes upon His own wounds to heal ours so that WE ARE HEALED. Think about it... He has healed us from our wounds so that we may not 'know' that pain any longer, but to rejoice! To rejoice in the fact we have a God who loves us so much that we can be healed, free, and strong! By going to the Lord in prayer and lifting it all up to Him, you are displaying a renewal of your inner strength within your faith saying that there is hope. There is healing. There is strength made out of these weaknesses. Isaiah 57:10 New International Version (NIV) 10 You wearied yourself by such going about, but you would not say, ‘It is hopeless.’ You found renewal of your strength, and so you did not faint. Do not faint. Do not be wearied by the wounds, weaknesses, and hardship that you face because you are facing a renewal of your strength, hope, and up mostly, your faith in Christ. You can be and -ARE- more than any of your weaknesses because you are chosen by God. By His Son, you ARE healed, strengthened, and renewed. In knowledge of this, rejoice, praise Him, take heart, and continue on with your life in His name! --------- Writer's note: Friends, I write to you, the audience, possessing a constant hope in knowing that what I share from the depths of my heart is beneficial to your faith in Christ Jesus. If you do not know who Jesus Christ is and what He has done for you, or that you're curious, but feel nervous, I pray that God would work in your life and where you stand so that you may see His face and know of His great love for you and all of the people He has created. I pray that He would also turn your heart to Him and make you vulnerable so that He may work through you with a great comfort and love. I pray that He will give you direction, guidance, and wisdom in your life so that you have a hope and comfort instilled in your heart knowing that He has control and plans for your life. Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV) 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I also pray that you would know, He has promised an eternal life for YOU with Him in Heaven. John 6:51 New International Version (NIV) "51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.”-Jesus Christ Jesus loves you and so do I. Though, I do not know who all read my entries, nor where you stand with your faith in God, but do know that whoever you are, I pray for you because I hope that you have life in Him and out of the love that Christ Jesus has instilled within my heart. In Him, Mak

The Problem of Uncertainty

Problems, we all have them. Although, they may be a daily struggle on how we are capable of formulating an answer to problem or how we are to simply deal with them. How are we to deal with the feelings of uncertainty so that we may regain the feeling of knowing and being very certain with our faith, calling, and life? This was raised in a sermon I had heard during a traditional church service I attended yesterday morning and this subject really made its own mark on my heart because it hit home. Now when I say it hit home, I am not talking about my faith. I am certain of my faith, but as to my calling I have begun to experience a whole entire semester of uncertainty as to what my calling may be. It's often that we will experience these feelings at some point in our life time, it's just even more common during the stage of the college time. During our time here on Earth, God has certainly called us as His chosen people and has called us for a purpose. We can have certainty in believing so by our references: 6 "For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession." Deuteronomy 7:6 16 "But I have raised you up[a] for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." Exodus 9:16 9 "I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you." Isaiah 41:9 We have certainty in knowing that we are chosen and called to serve God. God leads His people and will direct all of His children according to His plan as to how He wants His children to live and serve Him. I firmly believe that is so, but I am unsure as to where and what I should be doing. I guess that's apart of just giving it all to Him even more so and saying, "Okay, God, I know that I really can't do this alone. I haven't a clue as to how I can just serve You." Yet, I know that we are called to go out and make disciples of the nations...we are disciples called to reach out to others and share of God's great love for us, by the sharing of the Gospel. 19 "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" Matthew 28:19 Sometimes, I question just how God will use me to do so and how He will use my talents to glorify Him and bring people to Him. Yet, how He does it, is what amazes me because I am so unsure as to how He may be using me to reach out to others. Although, I have an idea that He is using me and my talents of writing and art to glorify Him by having me share my faith, thoughts, and what I know to be true of Him to bring glory and share Him with you. What bothers me, I guess is that my education is messed up in a sense and I am unsure as to where my calling is..like where I should be and what my career path consists of. I know that I love sharing the Gospel, working and volunteering with the church, working with youth by sharing the love of Christ, and teaching them about Jesus Christ, how they are to live their lives in the Faith... I love making art and writing. I love working on computers and all of that. If anything that makes me happy, is sharing the love of Christ with people and using my talents to glorify God, seeing the results and just...getting that feeling in knowing I've changed a life by bringing them closer to Christ and how they're able to open up their hearts to not just me and others about their lives and faith, but to God. I love being able to pray and serve God, the church, and others. I love doing things for others, it makes me so happy to know that I can make a difference. I want to make a difference in lives that can be touched by God. How? I don't know, but I want nothing more for others to know how much God loves them and that there is life in Him. Yet, I want to them to realize the realism behind life. Life isn't meant to be easy and to be a Christian is no way any easier, but to live without faith means you have nothing at all. To have faith means You have what matters and that is God, who is the very meaning and word, Love. God is Love. Yet, with my faith and how I love I am no way uncertain with it, rather, I am very certain and know that God loves and is the one God who has called me to share this. Friends, these are the four essential truths that offer certainty: (This is from my outline from the Church sermon. I have felt called to share this) 1) Eternal life is real life. "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life." 1 John 5:13 2)Life- Real Life- is found in Jesus. "He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life." 1 John 5:12 3) If you have the Son, you have life. "But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in His name." John 20:31 4) The journey of the believer begins with hearing and then believing and then living. "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 "We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him. We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true, even in his Son, Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." 1 John 5: 18-20 We live in a culture that is filled of uncertainty, but we, as God's people are able to live in certainty of our knowledge of what Christ has done for us, by dying for our sins so that we may have an eternal life. This eternal life being life of the ages...God's love is steadfast and never-ending. It goes on beyond all of the ages and generations. Despite being uncertain with His plans despite He has promised that His love will be pouring down upon us and that His plans are to prosper and give us hope for a future and not to harm us, we can live in certainty by His word. His Word gives us comfort in knowing we can be certain with our future, because it consists of His plan, the plan that is full of love and so much of Him. By knowing that we have life in Him, this form of certainty and comfort defeats the problem of uncertainty. Praying that this form of certainty defeats your uncertainty, even if you're a college student like me who feels unsure in some cases, but still is holding onto God's promises. If you're not a college student and still can relate, hold on to His promises. His promises are richer than anything of this world and last. Press on and stand firm friends. Prayers and Love, Makaya