From the bottom of my heart in all sincereity and truth.

Fellow friends, Tonight about 1:30am I am writing to you to share an experience in my faith as of a little bit ago that I felt the need to inform you about. Story: I find at times that when I am just getting back up from falling short from the glory of God, I tend to be all the more tempted harder and intensely. Usually, what is typical of me is to give in from all sorts of sides and feel this voice in my mind saying, "It's okay...He forgives." Well to that little voice, I said no and I wanted to stand strong. I wanted to be different and show God that I really want to change my heart for Him. I tend to write in this Bible journal that I have where I just...do entries with prayer requests, confessions, praise... Basically, I write my entries more so as 'letters to God.' Where I'm just talking with Him generally as my Father. (I find this easy for me to loosen up within my relationship with God) I wrote in that journal entry tonight how I think He is amazing through His unconditional love and how He heals, then telling us we're new in His eyes. I can't imagine what that must be like to see because I certainly do not feel so deserving, despite He says that I am deserving of His mercy. While writing, I felt something just tell me...how much I can be reminded of His love by thinking of the sacrifice on the Christ. Despite, I knew that already, it came to me harder. I really thought about it..and realized, did I ever really know and understand just what that meant for me and His people, by dying for me? What...being would do that for another? No other, but Jesus. By that reminder of such a love, it made me more so contemplate the fact He shows mercy out of the love He has for us no matter what. He's so faithful. He's a faithful Father, lover, and friend. He is everything I could ever need in someone. When I realized how much He loves all at once tonight...despite I knew He loved immensely, it made me realize..how much I want that love He has for people to be in my heart, to be pouring out abundantly so I could be so willing to display and act out in love in the name of Christ. I guess, it made me think about how much..I want to be able to finally show such a love towards that one man that God has for me. I don't know if I've ever truly loved a man out there in the sense of 'more than a friend' or 'best friend.' I've always been one to guard my heart and try to take my time when it comes to growing in friendships and thinking of possibilities in a significant other. I wrote in my journal that...one man, I want God to enable me to love on all ends as needed and give me the strength and courage to do so...to give me the willing heart so that I may know what it means to love and be loved. Because, I confessed that I fear being loved by another out of the experiences of being sexually assaulted and raped when I was young, both being from men I had trusted and highly liked as a teenager. Ever since the events, it's always affected my matter of showing affection or being open to it from both genders, but mainly men. It's odd to me because majority of my friends, especially close friends are men. It had taken me up to sometime in college to regain comfortable matters around men and having a form of 'bromance' or..friendship, whatever you want to label it as. I firmly believe, that was God's beginning way of healing me because I had an abundance of fantastic male friends in the name of Christ. These people have shown me such great friendship that I've never received before in my entire life and it was weird being that...I almost didn't know how to socially handle it. I was completely comfortable with me doing things for others and being that friend who is to stay up all hours of night to talk or be by your side as needed or whatever it maybe. Call me, I'm there. Knock on my window/door, you're welcomed in. Anything, I dropped for anyone just to be there to help them. I had always been that one person to be like that, but to receive it..not so much..and when that started a vast amount in college (still is) it makes me realize how much I needed to loosen and open up my heart to people in that sense...to say, "it's okay to want help." "It's okay to accept help, to not be independent...to actually..let people in to help you emotionally, too." I guess..I have this..strong interior where I just don't let things eat at me like some corrosive acid and where I get all..dramatic about it. I just..let it go and give it up to God. Well, when I had moments where I had felt so alone, nothing was right, people frustrated me, I was angry with God... these friends were there for me, prayed for me AND with me..even when I had refused to pray...they grabbed my hands and prayed anyways...and... for God to give a person or many to me in my life...to show such love is exactly what I needed to help break down my walls. To let me be more open to letting others in. If you can't open your heart to others..how do you expect them to be open hearted to you? How do you expect yourself to help others if you won't help yourself? How do you expect to help improve a relationship between God and a believer when your's isn't intact or it's asleep? God made me realize tonight that the friends I have are special and are a form of love that I've learned to love and accept. By His grace, He's been teaching and healing me from my previous wounds. He took those wounds and made them beautiful by making me strong within Him so that I may be able to help others heal of all sorts of things that eat at their hearts. What I've accepted is, patience in love. I've accepted the fact that I am 20 years old and single. Am I in a rush for a relationship or to feel love? To know what it means to feel special in a man's eyes? To be adored, to be treated with respect and love? To know what it feels like to be on an actual date, where I don't feel like I'm the one wearing the pants? To where I'll know what it feels like..to have a guy..just..want to be my best friend, accept me for all of my little odd bits and quirks, animated personality, and...just all that I am created as and to be. I am in no rush to feel that all...and all the more from a man. Yes, I yearn for it and yearn to feel what it means and feels like with that one person, but I don't need that to feel confident and comfortable with who I am inside and out. God helps and gives me all the confidence that I need to accept and be comfortable with who I am and with others. I won't lie, I do yearn to show my affection towards a man one day. I am awkward about it because I'm..learning and everything. I'm very cautious and thoughtful of the boundaries and what the other person maybe feeling or thinking because I want them to be comfortable with me. From what my friend Brezinski said to me, I'm really awful in relationships in the sense of physical affection because...I don't pick up on ques. I don't think it's so much the ques, but the matter of me just being..shy in that sense? Honestly, God knows how I feel and think. I'm..a very suttle person in this case. I enjoy holding hands, hugs, cuddling, and little signs of affection. Not the bigger physical aspects. I take greater appreciation in the small things of physical and emotional attributes. For me to show a guy I really appreciate him, I'll do things for him. I'll surprise him with..something I've made by using my artistic or musical skills, writing poetry (yes, I write poetry from the bottom of my heart...it helps me express my feelings), cooking food that he likes, offering to help with things, do things for him openly and willingly, offering my listening ear and advice...letting him I'm the type to pretty much go all out and do anything for a guy to please and make him happy. I ENJOY doing it..it makes me happy to know that I've made that one person happy. I honestly would love just sitting there watching a movie, hockey (if he likes it too), playing games, going on walks or runs together..anything. I'm simple and laid back. I take greater appreciation when a guy and I can just...be spending time together without having to spend money. I don't need a guy to spend money on me to make me happy or pleased. Seriously, I am with you to spend time with -you- not for you to spend money on me. One thing I'm struggling with in that sense is..letting a guy pay for me. I'm so independent..and actually used to..paying for me and the guy...it's...just not locked into my mind that I do not need to pay...and the guy should do it. I was raised that way, but never experienced it completely..except...once..I think? -while in a relationship that is- and that was our first date. All in all...by needing much healing and understanding of what I value most in a man and how I'm so simple..about it...has helped me to realize that God provides everything I could want in a guy, but no earthly man is perfect like God. God has that man out there for me and whoever He is..I just want God to help me love him unconditionally without falter and fear of being hurt physically. I can take emotional, but physical..affects me...in ways...well..yeah...leads to emotional issues deep down..but honestly, I'm healed from it by the grace of God. I told God that I wanted him to let that man know that I am 'waiting' for him and promise to remain faithful. And that I love him for who he is no matter what because I'm loving him just as God does. I don't care what that man has done or anything. It does not define him. God defines the human, not the humans decision. God makes that judgement, not me. God has helped me to not worry about these things because I trust and know that God has someone out there for me and..everyone really. Know that, dear, if I've met you already or haven't...and you read this..I love and accept you for you. I pray for you and know that God loves you so much. I hope and pray that when we do know of each other and God's plan for us to be together, that we are a couple that is for Christ and our relationship is serving and bringing glory to God. I promise to pray and help you spiritually and emotionally, in all aspects that I can. God does everything, but I'll do what He calls me to do. I promise to make you proud and know that everyday, I appreciate you for the heart that you have. I promise to protect, guide, and give support as needed. I promise to do my best to understand and even if I don't, I'll do my best by being honest to be sincere and helpful by showing compassion. I promise to let you know whenever I think you're not doing right in the eyes of God, so that you may be disciplined and able to be guided in the faith, so I know you're being encouraged at the same time to be all the more strong and steadfast in your faith. I understand that you're not perfect and I don't expect you to be. I just want you to be of Christ and dedicate yourself to Him..that's all I want. I want you to know you are saved by God through the blood of Christ. You are more than anything and everything you've done because Christ made you anew and clean. Because He loved you first. He told me to love and I am going to love to my fullest, I promise. My God healed me of wounds made by previous earthly men. Now, I'm healed in the blood of Christ. He has fully healed me after 3-4 years have passed by. I will fear no other man or evil. I will fear nothing because my God is my armor and He is with me. Praises be to God! Brothers and sisters, If you know of any persons in your life who has experienced any form of sexual abuse, assault, or rape, please do not hesitate to pray or be there for them even when they say no. The power of prayer is strong and effective. God listens and hears all prayers. There is healing, strength, confidence, and courage in His name. Please read 1 Peter. It'll open up your eyes to how our lives should be lived and how we should treat others in our lives. I pray and hope that the reading is a blessing just as much as it is to me. I praise God for those who read this journal entry. It honestly had taken a lot from me to share a bit of my experiences and..well..all these..feelings. I'm not one to be so..open about how I..yearn to treat that one person or them treat me. It's a ...touchy subject, I guess? Thank you. In Him with love, -Mak 1 Peter 1:3-9 Praise to God for a Living Hope 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire —may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Why Hide?

Jeremiah 23:24 New International Version (NIV) 24 Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?” declares the Lord. “Do not I fill heaven and earth?” declares the Lord. Often as humans we find that we want to hide every little thing possible from our Creator out of fear that has been instilled within our hearts by the sin we've committed and Satan, himself. Yet, we do not have to -try- to hide everything or anything from the Lord because He already knows and sees it from above. In Jeremiah 23:24 it explains that who can hide their everything from the Lord when He sees it already? Why are you trying to hide when you, the human, have known that the Lord is filled within the Earth? The Lord is everywhere. He knows and sees your every action and thought. I find that, when we try to hide from God, we are only distancing ourselves from the One who wants nothing more than to love and discipline us. We are His children and He wants a relationship with every single one of us. When you run and hide, you're placing a gap between the trust that you are to have with God. Yet, that gap is technically not even really there because He has promised to be by your side the entire time, even when we run and hide. He has promised to be with us and protect us. I want all of you to to read Isaiah 43. In this chapter the Lord reminds Jacob of His love and protection for Him. He shares with him how He knows his actions towards the Lord, but is still loving, forgiving, merciful, and is keeping His promise to His people because He loves them and they are His! What an amazing Father that we have! Isaiah 43:2 New International Version (NIV) 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Brothers and sisters, do not fret when you grow in faint and weary, He's there for you to pick you right back up and He continues to walk with you. He watches over your every foot step so that you will not drift away from Him. (Personally, I know that I can hold to this because I have my moments just as any other person out there of the faith who tends to drift away from the walk with the Lord. I've been at my lowest of lows, hardship, and have tried to hide and fight away in attempts to handle it all on my own...NOPE! He never let go and kept me there and corrected my path so that I can be free and have life in His name! He does this for His people because He wants -you- to have life in His name.) Psalm 142:3 New International Version (NIV) 3 When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way. In the path where I walk people have hidden a snare for me. When we feel the life of a disciple getting tough and hard because of the world of darkness we live in, God knows and is always ready to step in and take control. Ultimately, God has control over all of our situations, even when we try so hard to hide our faults within those situations, He still sees them. Yet, what is awesome about this is, He sends His Spirit to convict our hearts so that we may recognize what the sin(s) may be and so that we can just come out of that darkness where we were hiding within to only make it revealed to the light. Despite He already knows, He still wants us to reveal it to Him in the light and surface so that He can take it from our hands and say, "It is finished..." (John 19:30) When we confess what was all hidden within our hearts to the Lord, He sincerely does take it all away to renew our hearts for Him and to feel and know that love He has given and shown for us. Psalm 104:30 New International Version (NIV) 30 When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the ground. Isaiah 40:31 New International Version (NIV) 31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Although, we are encouraged and comforted by knowing the Lord will strengthen us, the convicting word of God in 1 John 1 is definitely also comforting in a way because we are reminded of how we ought to be living our lives for Christ and this verse also will give us encouragement deep within to be sure we are being honest in our walk with Him; 1 John 1:6 New International Version (NIV) 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. My brothers and sisters in Christ, Do not fear to make all of what is hidden from the Lord, revealed into the light because He has promised to renew your strength so that you may not grow fain and weary while in this Earthly life. He has promised to bring you a renewal of your mind so that you may be able to stand firm and a-test to the faith and what God's will is for you. Romans 12:2 New International Version (NIV) 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will. Job 11:15 New International Version (NIV) 15 then, free of fault, you will lift up your face; you will stand firm and without fear. Psalm 33:11 New International Version (NIV) 11 But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations. Brothers and sisters, I pray that He will give you the strength and courageous heart to stand firm in this world and to stand up against the demons and give all that is hidden in that darkness to only be revealed into light and make known to the Lord. By doing so, I pray that your relationship with Him will be strengthened, renewed, and He would show His unconditional love by picking you up, dusting you off, and saying, "Go in peace and serve in the name of the Lord." I pray that He would keep you in His hands and give you such a comfort that you will no longer feel afraid to just go to the Lord with anything and you would no longer hide from His face. I want you to know that He loves you all so much that He would never want harm or any form of hurting in your heart. No Father wants that for their child. You are His. I pray that by what I am sharing with you is encouraging and reassuring. I pray for you all. In Him, Mak 2 Corinthians 4:6 New International Version (NIV) 6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”[a] made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. Titus 3:5 New International Version (NIV) 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,

Recogonizing Weaknesses and being Strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9 New International Version (NIV) 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. Weaknesses. We all of them. Whether they'd be within the emotional attributes or physical, either way, they're there. They are apart of us. These weaknesses that we may have do not define who we are nor what type of heart we possess, but rather they help us to recognize what we can lift up to the Lord in prayer so that we have strength to face and over come those weaknesses. Our Father in Heaven wants nothing more than for us to come to Him in prayer so that His light can shine on us while we are feeling vulnerable and weak. To feel vulnerability is certainly not a bad thing because that means we have the open mind and heart towards God who is more than happy and willing to mentor, teach, guide, discipline, and love us, but we need to be willing as well. In the state of vulnerability we are risking our hearts to be willing to step out from our comfort zone for a change. Often, this change is for the better and the very fact we are feeling the conviction of the Spirit so that we may turn to God with prayer; praise, thanksgiving, conviction, and worship. And when we do this we are recognizing what it is that's weighing within our hearts to lift up to God and put it in His hands, rather than us sitting here trying to take and be in control, all on our own. The moment you recognize and lift up your weaknesses because you sincerely know what you cannot go alone on the path of life without the direction of God, He is going to take all that weakness and make you strong because He had taken the weaknesses and vulnerability of others and made them strong, too! His son, Jesus Christ died on the cross for your sins so that you may be strong in His name. God gives strength to His children because He loves and cares about all of His children just that much. Sometimes, it's hard for us to simply accept that we have a Father in Heaven that gave His son, Jesus, for our sins so that we may have life in His name, living a life of love, kindness, hope, and strength so that we can reach out to others in His name and be a light in this world of darkness. When I think about this, it makes me think about just how dark this world really is and what goes on in our daily lives that can leave these wounds, these wounds that bring upon certain weaknesses, but then, I remember that we don't have to live this way. We don't have to live a life filled with weaknesses caused by a variety of different wounds. God never wanted that. He wants us to live a life filled with hope, the hope that will lie deeply within us in knowing we are promised so much more. When I look back upon my weaknesses and the wounds that I've encountered, how I've grown in my faith to only be made stronger and healed, I also remember Jesus Christ faced many of the same events we do in our lives. May not be the -exact- same, but enough for Him to know how we feel and deal with them. By this thought, I cannot help, but be COMPLETELY comforted in knowing there is SOMEONE who understands every single emotion we may face, even my own. Isaiah 53:5 New International Version (NIV) 5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. "By His wounds we are healed." He takes upon His own wounds to heal ours so that WE ARE HEALED. Think about it... He has healed us from our wounds so that we may not 'know' that pain any longer, but to rejoice! To rejoice in the fact we have a God who loves us so much that we can be healed, free, and strong! By going to the Lord in prayer and lifting it all up to Him, you are displaying a renewal of your inner strength within your faith saying that there is hope. There is healing. There is strength made out of these weaknesses. Isaiah 57:10 New International Version (NIV) 10 You wearied yourself by such going about, but you would not say, ‘It is hopeless.’ You found renewal of your strength, and so you did not faint. Do not faint. Do not be wearied by the wounds, weaknesses, and hardship that you face because you are facing a renewal of your strength, hope, and up mostly, your faith in Christ. You can be and -ARE- more than any of your weaknesses because you are chosen by God. By His Son, you ARE healed, strengthened, and renewed. In knowledge of this, rejoice, praise Him, take heart, and continue on with your life in His name! --------- Writer's note: Friends, I write to you, the audience, possessing a constant hope in knowing that what I share from the depths of my heart is beneficial to your faith in Christ Jesus. If you do not know who Jesus Christ is and what He has done for you, or that you're curious, but feel nervous, I pray that God would work in your life and where you stand so that you may see His face and know of His great love for you and all of the people He has created. I pray that He would also turn your heart to Him and make you vulnerable so that He may work through you with a great comfort and love. I pray that He will give you direction, guidance, and wisdom in your life so that you have a hope and comfort instilled in your heart knowing that He has control and plans for your life. Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV) 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I also pray that you would know, He has promised an eternal life for YOU with Him in Heaven. John 6:51 New International Version (NIV) "51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.”-Jesus Christ Jesus loves you and so do I. Though, I do not know who all read my entries, nor where you stand with your faith in God, but do know that whoever you are, I pray for you because I hope that you have life in Him and out of the love that Christ Jesus has instilled within my heart. In Him, Mak